burn out bright

hi friends. check out some sights and sounds from our 6 weeks in ethiopia on this youtube video. and then pray for the faces/places you see. please pray.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d5JfsQoALMY 

it’s been five days since i arrived home from my summer in ethiopia. and the ever present, inevitable question that’s coming my way– by friend, family member, the curious dahl’s cashier when i unintentionally attempt to pay for my groceries with burr instead of u.s. dollars, or the question creeping up in my own sub conscience as i process the past month and a half… “how has this experienced changed you, amy?”   

the answer–though seemingly unanswerable at moments–is this.

desperation.   

besides the blessing and stretching of myself as a person–a sometimes naive, small world midwesterner–as an american, a jesus follower, an intervaristy staff worker–desperation is the change in me.   

the past six weeks in ethiopia have instilled a deep and profound sense of desperation that i’ve never had before. not the divorce of my parents, not the drug addiction of my brother, not the life altering loss of relationships and bout of dark depression–nothing has planted, rooted in me a desperation for god’s kingdom to come and rule life on earth the way addis ababa, ethiopia has.   

maybe it came about from spending my days with girls like sambrok, who, at the age of 12 years old, should know about sex solely from health class at school, or an awkward “how things work” talk with her parents. instead, she knows more than most adult women due to years of daily [or nightly] sexual experience–her main source of support and sustainability, even validation and a deeply distorted way of feeling loved, useful,  known. things she never felt from the sources intended to provide those feelings. i remember hearing her story translated to me as i stared down at her bubble gum pink sandals. at age eight she was gang raped by eight men. contracted AIDS. disowned. and for the next 4 years? prostitution. i couldn’t shake the desperate feeling for days after that. praying “your kingdom come…” in a way that jesus has never heard from these lips before.   

or maybe the desperation happened during the daily trek to work. literally stepping over and around beggars–sick, amputated, burned, leprosy covered bodies. often their babies, too. and i’d make my best effort to look them in the eye, mumble an amharic blessing and attempt to touch them–actually touch–their hand as i placed a few coins in it. but i’m acutely aware that the glance, and touch, and money is only momentary relief. so i walk away. and i plead with with jesus and his upside-down, least and outcast  focused kingdom to come. come now. come here. to the man who just slid past me on his stomach, pulling himself along by a pair of flip flops—on his hands. no legs. and no wheelchair. jesus, bring your kingdom to him. a kingdom that gives notice to people like that.  

jesus come to the prostitutes in marcado…bring your kindgdom of restoration and justice to the miles of bedrooms and the women who do business there. bring your “samaritan woman” kingdom of forgiveness and mercy and value. 

i’m so desperate. for sambrok, for the man who walks with his hands, for these women…i’m needy for god’s kindgom to come and be made real for these people, for addis ababa, for africa…and for this girl–expositing these thoughts on her mac computer in her comfortable american living room with her full stomach and contented future. because as long as this kind of broken reality exists for the people i’ve fallen in love with in ethiopia, it exists for me.   

so my world has changed. my prayers have changed. they are more confused and ugly and urgent. and they are desperate.   

bring your kingdom of shalom, of healing and wholeness. of transformation and resurrection. bring it to addis ababa, ethiopia. to sambrok and tigust and all of my prostitute friends. bring it to yonas, and his blind eyes. and to the woman who nurses her tiny, diseased baby and softy thanks jesus as we drop a few coins on our daily walk past her. jesus, your kingdom has got to come. no relief organization or ngo or non profit, no amount of american dollars or social structure change can do it. only you can.   

so bring it jesus. and use me. 

i have this problem where i find a new “thing” i like and get passionate–to the extreme–about it. recent examples? tennis. superfoods [broccoli, almonds, blueberries, oats, etc.]. psalm 68 [the message translation]. foy vance. the citi identity theft commercials. and cortaid. yes, cortaid. it’s an anti-itch treatment [pharmacist recommended] that works amazingly well. got an itch? slap it on. one minute later, you’re golden. and by golden i mean itch-free. [in case anyone is getting nervous at this point, the "itch" is a bug bite, folks. that's it.]. between bike riding, tennis, walks, and phone conversations on the front steps, i’ve been very popular with the bugs lately, therefore being very itchy and in desperate need of cortaid. my new best friend. 

so tonight i was talking with some people at small group about it [cortaid]. like i mentioned above, the getting “passionate” thing–that involves convincing everyone else it’s amazing too. and somehow i tied it in with the life of job, which we were reading. [maybe that he needed some when his skin was scabbing over and being eaten by maggots? i don't know.] followed by a conversation about job just having to sit in his mess for a while and not being able to fix a thing. and i had this realization [or maybe just a reminder] that i like immediate relief. i look for quick fixes. and i am so totally uncomfortable sitting in moments of struggle, being still in a situation of pain [from deeply rooted family issues to bug bites and backaches]. 

and i wonder. god, what could you teach me if i was more willing to wait in the hard spots. to feel the loss or hurt or pain, to be content–not comfortable [that's not realistic], but content–with the burden, the struggle. for the moment. even a semi-long moment. would i hear you more, jesus? would i experience you more? how would my life look, feel, and actually be different if i stopped avoiding those moments all together and quit immediately turning to fixes and feel betters when avoidance isn’t possible? i wonder.

maybe i’ll put the cortaid away. for a moment. 

ok so most of you know that “nature-loving” has probably never been used to describe me. in listing my favorite places and choosing vacations my mind immediately jumps to london, new york, chicago. cities…(minus the california beaches, which i recently experienced)…with lots of moving bodies and art galleries and local coffee shops, where you hear a myriad of languages spoken within two or three blocks, and the sound of sirens and horns. i love that. it’s what i’ve always enjoyed, preferred, etc. until now. i spent last weekend in denver with friends, driving up into the mountains (my first time ever), and it was quiet and still and we were alone. i felt very small. and i absolutely loved it. i loved nature? it was one of the most incredible experiences…being in the mountains. i can’t even begin to describe it. so, i’ll share a few pictures and you will see why i loved nature. for the first time. 

most of you know phillip harder. he takes the most beautiful pictures. these are especially striking–enough that i wanted them to be seen by more than me. [those shown in the photos are just some people i love.] 

i made a target run tonight to pick up a few necessities. as i stood in the deodorant isle, deciding if i wanted to venture out and try something new (after all that pitting out in sticky hot missouri. geez!). i was doing the typical read the label and sniff the stick…and there it was. secret brand deodorant with the most bizarre scent ever. not “ocean breeze” or “powder fresh”…oh no, this was “VANILLA CHAI LATTE” scented. no joke. i actually made the woman next to me smell it because i had to share this moment of disgust with someone. i have major objections to ordering the same flavor deodorant as i do a drink at mars. the woman agreed with my reaction. really, who wants to drink their armpits?

it’s finals week for drake students. and i find myself doing one of the things i hate/love the most in life. reflecting. 

it’s been a year of profound struggle and challenge in ministry [life] at drake, but one of unexplainable and unexpected blessing. as the year ends, jesus is more real. more incredible. more present than i understood before the year began. and i’m more desperate than i ever have been for him. come jesus. i think [hope] the same is true for the beautiful students that i work with. this video, created a couple of months back, is such a sweet testament to god’s work this year. watch it and be encouraged. we have a god who finds us in the hard places. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JYXCUG7mcsI&feature=related

“so let god work his will in you. yell a loud no to the devil and watch him scamper. say a quiet yes to god and he’ll be there in no time [i love that]. quit dabbling in sin. purify your inner life. quit playing the field. hit bottom and cry your eyes out. the fun and games are over. get serious, really serious. get down on your knees before the master; its the only way you’ll get on your feet.” james 4:7-10 [the message]

i read this today. it made my heart jump a bit. mostly because it’s true. so true. and i’m learning. 

i was having a conversation last weekend…venting about over-the-top christians [you know, the "my boss is a jewish carpenter" bumper sticker having, "jesus died for MySpace" t-shirt wearing--yes, that shirt really exists, i saw it--popular christian book reading folks]. i know, i know…jesus love those people and i do too [they're family] but sometimes i want to shake them when i see them on campus with their christian memorabilia or bust into awkward conversations where i hear one person convincing a non-suspecting ’sinner’ about their sin and eternal destiny, or cry when a student comes to me recently burned and turned off by the way christianity was presented to her.

and then the person i was venting to said something profound to me. “so many people are out there shouting ‘jesus is the answer’ to people who aren’t asking the question.” that’s it! that statement resonates so deeply in my heart and the relationships around me, the campus i love, the city i live in…so many people aren’t yet aware of their need for a savior, don’t yet know that they need something bigger, more powerful and purposeful to live for and be loved by, aren’t seeing the way jesus does something for my life that they deeply desire and desperately need. so i’ve been chewing on that statement. wondering…how does my life cause people to ask the question. how do i, how do the students i work with, how does my jesus-loving church raise the question in the lives of people who don’t yet know him. what if we were people who shouted the answer much less and caused the question much more. “why is she experiencing such peace in the midst of a battle with cancer?” “why are they giving away free water–no strings attached?” “what brings the most diverse, hodge podge group of students on campus together every week? how are they friends? and why?” “why are they spending their saturday at the homeless shelter down the street?” “what is it about her? about him? about them?” 

jesus.

what a sweet privilege to share the answer. but maybe an even sweeter privilege to be the ones causing the question. 

i love good worship music. i love to sing loudly (these days in my car with the sunroof open) to matt redman and chris tomlin and tim hughes (and my favorite “local” worship celebrities, of course)…singing to, and about, and because of my sweet jesus. but i love an old hymn from time to time. when i walked into my parents house today, my mom had the hymnal on the piano open to “take my life and let it be” and i was immediately taken back to memories of being small and my mom letting me stand on the pew at church so that i could see the music leader. i remember this song specifically and the way it made me sing my heart out [i was loud then, too. some things never change.]. the words are so sweet to me today [i'm not sure i understood them then]. like a prayer. pray it with me.

take my life and let it be consecrated lord to thee
take my hands and let them move at the impulse of thy love, at the impulse of thy love.
take my feet and let them be swift and beautiful for thee
take my voice and let me sing always only for my king, always only for my king.
take my silver and my gold not a mite would i withhold
take my moments and my day let them flow in ceaseless praise, let them flow in ceaseless praise.
take my will and make it thine it shall be no longer mine
take my heart it is thine own it shall be thy royal throne, it shall be thy royal throne.